There are lots of good books on marriage, but I want to mention just six of them here that I highly recommend. And in recommending them, let me just give one brief statement of why I like them. As For Me and My House: Crafting Your Marriage to Last by Walter Wangerin Jr. I love […]

[image by nzgabriel] Differentiation is a natural process in committed relationships that involves developing more of a self while growing closer to your partner. Men often sacrifice their relationship to hold onto their sense of self. Women often sacrifice their sense of self to stabilize their relationship. Differentiation is about having it both ways: having […]

“For a person is the single most limitless entity in creation, and if there is anything that is even more unlimited and unrestrained in its possibilities than is a person, it is two people together. Not everyone is as fond of solitude as I have been. And certainly not everyone has seriously entertained the notion […]

“Perhaps the biggest myth of all is that communication–and more specifically, learning to resolve your conflicts–is the royal road to romance and an enduring, happy marriage. Whatever a marriage therapist’s theoretical orientation, whether you opt for short-term therapy, long-term therapy, or a three-minute radio consultation with your local Frasier, the message you’ll get is pretty […]

[image by makelessnoise] Yesterday I posted about therapist David Schnarch’s view that marriages (committed relationships) are “people growing machines.” But for us to grow in a committed relationship obviously takes a lot of work and a lot of sacrifice. It’s not unusual to work with couples who are shocked by the amount of work a […]

[image by Wrote] Rapport… “Relationship, especially one of mutual trust or emotional affinity.” How important is rapport to the therapy process?  Whether it’s a topic discussed in research literature, read in textbooks, or is simply anecdotal…one finds that it’s pretty important.  Many will say that it can be the key to successful therapy outcomes, because […]

[image by Matti Mattila] Now that we have talked about how to go about finding a good therapist in the previous post, let’s talk about some things you should be looking for. Now, this is going to differ based on a lot of factors, but I think most often, it will differ based on your […]

[image by mescon] Sometimes I get the question, “So what does a marriage and family therapist do?” It’s a legit question, especially amongst some of the confusion over the differences between a psychologist, counselor, social worker, etc. There are a lot of ways I can answer that question, but I most often talk about marriage […]

This is Post 1/100 in my 100 posts in 100 days series. [image by Vali] There is a lot to talk about in the next 100 days. Lots. So I thought it would be appropriate to start from the beginning. And by beginning I mean…the idea of going to therapy itself. If you haven’t noticed, […]

The below quote has always been one of my favorites since I first read this amazing book in 1999. It has been a wise guide in my life, and my former classmate and friend, Bernie Newton, reminded me of it’s importance in our work as therapists. The stance that Rilke suggests is not only very […]

Two of my favorite poets are the German poet Rainer Maria Rilke and the Lebanese American poet Kahlil Girban. One of the things that has drawn me to these two poets, especially when they write on love and marriage is the way in which they speak of relational boundaries, specifically what we talk of in […]

“Stewart and Shannon were dealing with one of the most pervasive problems of intimate partnership, the drawing of personal boundaries. Boundaries exist on two levels: behavioral and emotional. Behavioral boundaries refer to the preferred amount of togetherness in a relationship. The second, emotional, level has to do with distinguishing which thoughts and feelings and wishes […]

I’ve been talking briefly this last week about boundaries, especially since it is such a popular topic not only among those who go see a therapist, but it is popularized in self-help books, magazines, talk shows and about everywhere you look. Unfortunately, boundaries may be talked a lot about, but they are easier to talk […]

Well known psychologist David Schnarch has a wonderful book called the Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships. When Schnarch speaks about boundaries he speaks about differentiation. What is differentiation? In short, according to Schnarch: Differentiation is a natural process in committed relationships that involves developing more of a self while growing […]