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May 29, 2005
Back on track on the blogosphere, and the chaotic ordering of life!
It seems like it has been ages since I have posted a blog, or at least anything worth reading. You would think that blogging is important, especially to me since I seem to talk about it all the time. But, apparently wedding plans rank much further up, or at least that's what my fiance has told me, especially recently.
Well, I'm only three weeks out from getting married, and the stress and time crunch has been bearing down on me that I haven't had much time, or at least much time to reflect on much of anything that I though important.
I am beginning to realize just how important it is at times for me to have my life ordered. I like things neat. Clean. In their place. And when they are not, I have to work to get them in that place. Chaos has not been something that I have really embraced, though I really want to at times. Life is chaotic and messy a lot of times, and I think it's important to learn how to live in that space of life without having everything neatly put.
But what I am finding is that I live internally with a lot of chaos and unanswered questions and ideas, but I don't much like living with my external reality being in chaos. Somehow I have managed to live in that balance of chaotic inner life and ordered outer life. Is that the way it is supposed to be? Is one of them supposed to bring the other out of chaos and into order...or vice-versa...or does it much matter?
Maybe, we order our outward lives and dress them up all nice and neat to hide or mask the inner realities of our life, and the chaos of them. Maybe walking into a clean room, and having a clean kitchen helps me feel better about the turmoil that is brewing inside me. Or maybe I'm just rambling because it's 12:45 in the morning in Texas!
What all this has made me think about was the continuity that Jesus seemed to exemplify in both his internal private life, and the outward life of His in community. When things seemed to be going a little rough, or weariness seemed to catch up on Him, it was always important for Him to order His life, what seems like His private life, around that of the relationship with His Father. In Mark 1:35 we see Him getting up very early to go out and pray, and to begin His day in that alone time with God, so that His chaotic day would be ordered around that. There was a correlation in His living. His inner life influenced and gave shape to His outer life, and vice-versa. When His outer life was an indicator that His inner life needed attention, aloneness, intimacy with the Father.
Does that make sense? So why is it that we don't often see that correlation? When our life gets crazy on the outside, all we think we need to do is work a little harder, burn a little more midnight oil, stress a tad bit more, and if we push it hard enough we can accomplish everything on our own power and ability. How long is it before we break down and realize that our chaotic life was a sign that something was off in our inner being? That maybe what we needed to do less was to strive harder and harder, but rather, go to our Father in prayer so that He could help bring peace to our situation, and renew us for the next thing.
I am really stressed out right now! I have rarely had these many things going on in my life at once. Now, I have dealt with a lot of stress before, and some major life changing events, but the combination of an approaching marriage, a new house, back to graduate school and ministry, is beginning to take its toll on me. And what I realize is this....That I rarely turn to God immediately. Usually I must come crashing down to earth on fumes before I realize that it is only God who can bring a sense of order and peace and rest out of the outer and inner chaos that is my life at times.
So in these remaining weeks of school, for some of you....and job searches for others...or for whatever may be on your plate. May you stop what you are doing right now....and turn to your Heavenly Father in prayer, so that He can restore your soul. May you stop running, and trying to do everything on your own.
Posted by rhett at May 29, 2005 10:33 PM
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